Dodger relaxes a bit at the touch, leaning into Ivar's hand and the kiss. Slowly he reaches out, running his hand along Ivar's side as he presses another kiss to the viking's lips.
"Just needed to see you." He chews his cheek a bit, not entirely sure how to voice his thoughts. At least he isn't having a complete breakdown this time. "I'm... I don't know. Lost."
There's another pensive pause, and his brow furrows a bit. He's asked a few people this, but he can't help seeking Ivar's opinion too.
The Viking pulls himself over closer to Dodger, feeling the heat coming off of the other man's body. It was a lot more pleasant when his boyfriend wasn't using his powers to burn straight through his skin.
It appears, as usual, Dodger needs him in some capacity or another he can't find from anyone else. Ivar could lord this over him or he could just hear him out. Not interested in another fight at right this moment, he does the latter.
Ivar pauses in what he is doing, thinking hard on the question when it is asked. His words come slowly as he grasps for an eloquent response. "That is a question I often end up asking myself. I've done monstrous things, many of them, and only a few I regret." Even Dodger didn't know the full extent of that list, like how he'd left his son in the woods to die or blasphemed the gods by giving them an unwilling sacrifice.
"I think you can be one much of the time. You're stupid and selfish and sadistic and only think about yourself." He could go on for so much longer but he's not trying to use Dodger like a punching bag right now. He runs his fingers through the man's shaggy hair, his voice turning gentle. "But not always. You can be far better than you think you are. You just don't see it."
His brow twitches a bit when Ivar insults him, but he isn't going to fight it. It's all true and even if he hadn't already believed it, he's been hearing it from everyone.
"I just want people to hurt me, huh?"
He shifts again until their bodies are pressed together, so he can run his hand under Ivar's shirt and trace random patterns with his unnaturally warm fingers. It's been months, and it still feels odd to be so close when he can remember traces of an old, old rivalry.
"I want to be better. I don't want to hurt people. But it's..." He stumbles over his words, "...It's easy. It's good in the moment. Fuck, I feel high when I've got blood in my mouth." A pause. "I sold one of my friends out so I could get forgiveness from someone else. It was so fucking easy, I didn't even think about it until..."
Until he saw Hector's face. Not the reaction to the kill, but the resolve when he left.
Dodger can't think of anything else to say so he just sinks into the mattress, his brow knitted with turmoil.
He sighs when Dodger's fingers run across his chest. Poor bastard. He's hurting right now. No wonder he came to Ivar. He knows him better then anyone else here. Despite his anger, Ivar can't turn him away. Like he and Zatanna talked about, it's like an addiction being around him.
Ivar props himself up on his elbows and keeps petting Dodger, carding his fingers through his hair slowly and methodically. "If it were easy to not make the same mistake twice, it wouldn't be so common a problem." He leans over and kisses Dodger on the temple in a comforting manner.
"I can't say I've ever tried to change my ways. But I come from a time and place where I don't have to. Even here, it's easy to keep things as they've always been. So you must ask yourself what will make you happier? Trying to change or staying the same?"
Dodger hesitates before sitting up, and then shifting to climb into Ivar's lap. He's careful not to put too much weight on his legs, leaning his forehead against Ivar's and pausing for a deep breath.
"Don't think you could change if you tried." He offers a smirk without much feeling behind it, an empty little huff of laughter. "I don't know what's gonna make me happy. I don't even know who makes me happy. People like you and... like Squalo, you make me feel like shit and like I'm home all at the same time. And people like... my friend I lost, make me feel... happy, and like I'm lost in a different country."
Any trace of humor slips off his face, and his shoulders slump.
"Why can't I just be happy being a piece of shit?"
Ivar likes it when Dodger is close up against him, foreheads pressed together. There’s something about the man that puts him both on edge and makes the fury in his head relax all in the same moment. He supposes that’s what love does to a man like him. “If the answers were easy, you wouldn’t be here right now talking to me.”
Not that Ivar has got any wise words to offer. He’s not a seer or anything like that, to dispel words of advice when anyone came asking. He’s just got the gift of reading people and being able to know Dodger very well. Easy to read, this one was, even if the book was boring. “Because part of you wants to be someone different. Someone who didn’t get forced into the life you did.” He traces the tip of one finger ever so lightly over the scar that runs across Dodger’s nose.
He’s seen those memories of his life growing up and a version of Dodger that had turned out very different than the man who stood in front of him. It wasn’t that hard to realize it only took a few simple twists and turns for his life to have gone completely off-track from what it could have been. “And those two parts of yourself are so wildly different you can’t find a way to reconcile them together.”
He sighs softly, running his fingers idly over Ivar's body. Ivar's touching the scars on his face, and he closes his eyes to bask in the attention. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, quiet and slowly.
"Was I like this, the first time you met me?" He chews his cheek, studying the viking's face carefully while he thinks over his thoughts "Seems like the more I change here, the less I connect with... the people I'm used to."
Ivar leans forward, replacing the fingertips tracing Dodger's scars with his lips, a feather-light touch. It's rare things like this are good between them, so he'll treasure the moment while he can.
"You mean questioning yourself or trying to change?" He kisses Dodger on the scar that runs through his eyebrow. "Dodger, as long as I've known you, you've always had a brutal, ruthless streak to you. No matter how hard you try and get rid of it, it'll always be there, lurking below the surface."
Ivar shrugs, leaning back a little so he can look into Dodger's eyes. "Does that include me?" Despite Ivar trying to hide the neediness in his voice, it's present there. What if Dodger starts trying to pull away from him, leave him the way everyone else in his life always has?
He closes his eyes when Ivar kisses him, and answers by tugging him closer to kiss his lips. It's a decent answer, honestly. It tells him that he's always been trying to change, and it's never worked. He guesses that's his lot in life.
He opens his eyes when Ivar leans back, and studies his face somberly. He hears the neediness, and it weighs heavy on him like everything else. So many people need him, and he can't give all of them what they want. It's enough to make him miss being a heartless bastard.
"Who is John Galt." He answers after a bit too much hesitation, his gaze flickering away and his voice betraying a bit of nerves. He can't give Ivar the answer he wants, because he isn't sure himself.
Ivar snorts and he slaps Dodger's cheek lightly, playfully, though there's just the hint of an annoyed edge to the movement. "And you like to accuse me of just bullshitting people with my words." What had Dodger called it before? Psychobabble? "Can't fool someone who already knows how to twist the truth, Dodger."
But the answer does tell him enough and it hurts. Dodger is never going to be everything he needs. Ivar wishes he was, and if he was smart, he would have gotten out a long time ago. But it's too late now. He's in deep and is just gonna keep on going deeper with his boyfriend.
"Come here." He wraps his hands around Dodger's neck and pulls him back down onto the bed. "Just stay here with me a while." He won't say anything, just curl up and relax knowing Dodger is there beside him. Things are rarely alright between them, so Ivar will take what he can get in that regard.
Dodger blinks when he's slapped, but it gets a lopsided grin out of him. He knows he's hurting Ivar, and it's fucking awful. But this really is the best he can do and he just hopes Ivar knows that.
He lets Ivar pull him closer, and curls up against him as his skin heats up to a pleasant warmth. He shifts to press their foreheads together and lets out a quiet huff of laughter, as he settles in.
"You're just like a kid somethings, y'know that? ...It's really cute."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 09:34 am (UTC)"Just needed to see you." He chews his cheek a bit, not entirely sure how to voice his thoughts. At least he isn't having a complete breakdown this time. "I'm... I don't know. Lost."
There's another pensive pause, and his brow furrows a bit. He's asked a few people this, but he can't help seeking Ivar's opinion too.
"Do you think I'm a monster?"
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 10:13 am (UTC)It appears, as usual, Dodger needs him in some capacity or another he can't find from anyone else. Ivar could lord this over him or he could just hear him out. Not interested in another fight at right this moment, he does the latter.
Ivar pauses in what he is doing, thinking hard on the question when it is asked. His words come slowly as he grasps for an eloquent response. "That is a question I often end up asking myself. I've done monstrous things, many of them, and only a few I regret." Even Dodger didn't know the full extent of that list, like how he'd left his son in the woods to die or blasphemed the gods by giving them an unwilling sacrifice.
"I think you can be one much of the time. You're stupid and selfish and sadistic and only think about yourself." He could go on for so much longer but he's not trying to use Dodger like a punching bag right now. He runs his fingers through the man's shaggy hair, his voice turning gentle. "But not always. You can be far better than you think you are. You just don't see it."
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 10:34 am (UTC)"I just want people to hurt me, huh?"
He shifts again until their bodies are pressed together, so he can run his hand under Ivar's shirt and trace random patterns with his unnaturally warm fingers. It's been months, and it still feels odd to be so close when he can remember traces of an old, old rivalry.
"I want to be better. I don't want to hurt people. But it's..." He stumbles over his words, "...It's easy. It's good in the moment. Fuck, I feel high when I've got blood in my mouth." A pause. "I sold one of my friends out so I could get forgiveness from someone else. It was so fucking easy, I didn't even think about it until..."
Until he saw Hector's face. Not the reaction to the kill, but the resolve when he left.
Dodger can't think of anything else to say so he just sinks into the mattress, his brow knitted with turmoil.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 10:55 am (UTC)Ivar props himself up on his elbows and keeps petting Dodger, carding his fingers through his hair slowly and methodically. "If it were easy to not make the same mistake twice, it wouldn't be so common a problem." He leans over and kisses Dodger on the temple in a comforting manner.
"I can't say I've ever tried to change my ways. But I come from a time and place where I don't have to. Even here, it's easy to keep things as they've always been. So you must ask yourself what will make you happier? Trying to change or staying the same?"
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 11:14 am (UTC)"Don't think you could change if you tried." He offers a smirk without much feeling behind it, an empty little huff of laughter. "I don't know what's gonna make me happy. I don't even know who makes me happy. People like you and... like Squalo, you make me feel like shit and like I'm home all at the same time. And people like... my friend I lost, make me feel... happy, and like I'm lost in a different country."
Any trace of humor slips off his face, and his shoulders slump.
"Why can't I just be happy being a piece of shit?"
no subject
Date: 2020-05-24 08:18 am (UTC)Not that Ivar has got any wise words to offer. He’s not a seer or anything like that, to dispel words of advice when anyone came asking. He’s just got the gift of reading people and being able to know Dodger very well. Easy to read, this one was, even if the book was boring. “Because part of you wants to be someone different. Someone who didn’t get forced into the life you did.” He traces the tip of one finger ever so lightly over the scar that runs across Dodger’s nose.
He’s seen those memories of his life growing up and a version of Dodger that had turned out very different than the man who stood in front of him. It wasn’t that hard to realize it only took a few simple twists and turns for his life to have gone completely off-track from what it could have been. “And those two parts of yourself are so wildly different you can’t find a way to reconcile them together.”
no subject
Date: 2020-05-31 06:30 pm (UTC)He sighs softly, running his fingers idly over Ivar's body. Ivar's touching the scars on his face, and he closes his eyes to bask in the attention. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, quiet and slowly.
"Was I like this, the first time you met me?" He chews his cheek, studying the viking's face carefully while he thinks over his thoughts "Seems like the more I change here, the less I connect with... the people I'm used to."
no subject
Date: 2020-06-04 01:53 am (UTC)"You mean questioning yourself or trying to change?" He kisses Dodger on the scar that runs through his eyebrow. "Dodger, as long as I've known you, you've always had a brutal, ruthless streak to you. No matter how hard you try and get rid of it, it'll always be there, lurking below the surface."
Ivar shrugs, leaning back a little so he can look into Dodger's eyes. "Does that include me?" Despite Ivar trying to hide the neediness in his voice, it's present there. What if Dodger starts trying to pull away from him, leave him the way everyone else in his life always has?
no subject
Date: 2020-06-04 09:06 pm (UTC)He closes his eyes when Ivar kisses him, and answers by tugging him closer to kiss his lips. It's a decent answer, honestly. It tells him that he's always been trying to change, and it's never worked. He guesses that's his lot in life.
He opens his eyes when Ivar leans back, and studies his face somberly. He hears the neediness, and it weighs heavy on him like everything else. So many people need him, and he can't give all of them what they want. It's enough to make him miss being a heartless bastard.
"Who is John Galt." He answers after a bit too much hesitation, his gaze flickering away and his voice betraying a bit of nerves. He can't give Ivar the answer he wants, because he isn't sure himself.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-08 10:36 am (UTC)But the answer does tell him enough and it hurts. Dodger is never going to be everything he needs. Ivar wishes he was, and if he was smart, he would have gotten out a long time ago. But it's too late now. He's in deep and is just gonna keep on going deeper with his boyfriend.
"Come here." He wraps his hands around Dodger's neck and pulls him back down onto the bed. "Just stay here with me a while." He won't say anything, just curl up and relax knowing Dodger is there beside him. Things are rarely alright between them, so Ivar will take what he can get in that regard.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-09 10:25 am (UTC)He lets Ivar pull him closer, and curls up against him as his skin heats up to a pleasant warmth. He shifts to press their foreheads together and lets out a quiet huff of laughter, as he settles in.
"You're just like a kid somethings, y'know that? ...It's really cute."