Dodger hesitates before sitting up, and then shifting to climb into Ivar's lap. He's careful not to put too much weight on his legs, leaning his forehead against Ivar's and pausing for a deep breath.
"Don't think you could change if you tried." He offers a smirk without much feeling behind it, an empty little huff of laughter. "I don't know what's gonna make me happy. I don't even know who makes me happy. People like you and... like Squalo, you make me feel like shit and like I'm home all at the same time. And people like... my friend I lost, make me feel... happy, and like I'm lost in a different country."
Any trace of humor slips off his face, and his shoulders slump.
"Why can't I just be happy being a piece of shit?"
Ivar likes it when Dodger is close up against him, foreheads pressed together. There’s something about the man that puts him both on edge and makes the fury in his head relax all in the same moment. He supposes that’s what love does to a man like him. “If the answers were easy, you wouldn’t be here right now talking to me.”
Not that Ivar has got any wise words to offer. He’s not a seer or anything like that, to dispel words of advice when anyone came asking. He’s just got the gift of reading people and being able to know Dodger very well. Easy to read, this one was, even if the book was boring. “Because part of you wants to be someone different. Someone who didn’t get forced into the life you did.” He traces the tip of one finger ever so lightly over the scar that runs across Dodger’s nose.
He’s seen those memories of his life growing up and a version of Dodger that had turned out very different than the man who stood in front of him. It wasn’t that hard to realize it only took a few simple twists and turns for his life to have gone completely off-track from what it could have been. “And those two parts of yourself are so wildly different you can’t find a way to reconcile them together.”
He sighs softly, running his fingers idly over Ivar's body. Ivar's touching the scars on his face, and he closes his eyes to bask in the attention. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, quiet and slowly.
"Was I like this, the first time you met me?" He chews his cheek, studying the viking's face carefully while he thinks over his thoughts "Seems like the more I change here, the less I connect with... the people I'm used to."
Ivar leans forward, replacing the fingertips tracing Dodger's scars with his lips, a feather-light touch. It's rare things like this are good between them, so he'll treasure the moment while he can.
"You mean questioning yourself or trying to change?" He kisses Dodger on the scar that runs through his eyebrow. "Dodger, as long as I've known you, you've always had a brutal, ruthless streak to you. No matter how hard you try and get rid of it, it'll always be there, lurking below the surface."
Ivar shrugs, leaning back a little so he can look into Dodger's eyes. "Does that include me?" Despite Ivar trying to hide the neediness in his voice, it's present there. What if Dodger starts trying to pull away from him, leave him the way everyone else in his life always has?
He closes his eyes when Ivar kisses him, and answers by tugging him closer to kiss his lips. It's a decent answer, honestly. It tells him that he's always been trying to change, and it's never worked. He guesses that's his lot in life.
He opens his eyes when Ivar leans back, and studies his face somberly. He hears the neediness, and it weighs heavy on him like everything else. So many people need him, and he can't give all of them what they want. It's enough to make him miss being a heartless bastard.
"Who is John Galt." He answers after a bit too much hesitation, his gaze flickering away and his voice betraying a bit of nerves. He can't give Ivar the answer he wants, because he isn't sure himself.
Ivar snorts and he slaps Dodger's cheek lightly, playfully, though there's just the hint of an annoyed edge to the movement. "And you like to accuse me of just bullshitting people with my words." What had Dodger called it before? Psychobabble? "Can't fool someone who already knows how to twist the truth, Dodger."
But the answer does tell him enough and it hurts. Dodger is never going to be everything he needs. Ivar wishes he was, and if he was smart, he would have gotten out a long time ago. But it's too late now. He's in deep and is just gonna keep on going deeper with his boyfriend.
"Come here." He wraps his hands around Dodger's neck and pulls him back down onto the bed. "Just stay here with me a while." He won't say anything, just curl up and relax knowing Dodger is there beside him. Things are rarely alright between them, so Ivar will take what he can get in that regard.
Dodger blinks when he's slapped, but it gets a lopsided grin out of him. He knows he's hurting Ivar, and it's fucking awful. But this really is the best he can do and he just hopes Ivar knows that.
He lets Ivar pull him closer, and curls up against him as his skin heats up to a pleasant warmth. He shifts to press their foreheads together and lets out a quiet huff of laughter, as he settles in.
"You're just like a kid somethings, y'know that? ...It's really cute."
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2020-05-08 11:14 am (UTC)"Don't think you could change if you tried." He offers a smirk without much feeling behind it, an empty little huff of laughter. "I don't know what's gonna make me happy. I don't even know who makes me happy. People like you and... like Squalo, you make me feel like shit and like I'm home all at the same time. And people like... my friend I lost, make me feel... happy, and like I'm lost in a different country."
Any trace of humor slips off his face, and his shoulders slump.
"Why can't I just be happy being a piece of shit?"
no subject
Date: 2020-05-24 08:18 am (UTC)Not that Ivar has got any wise words to offer. He’s not a seer or anything like that, to dispel words of advice when anyone came asking. He’s just got the gift of reading people and being able to know Dodger very well. Easy to read, this one was, even if the book was boring. “Because part of you wants to be someone different. Someone who didn’t get forced into the life you did.” He traces the tip of one finger ever so lightly over the scar that runs across Dodger’s nose.
He’s seen those memories of his life growing up and a version of Dodger that had turned out very different than the man who stood in front of him. It wasn’t that hard to realize it only took a few simple twists and turns for his life to have gone completely off-track from what it could have been. “And those two parts of yourself are so wildly different you can’t find a way to reconcile them together.”
no subject
Date: 2020-05-31 06:30 pm (UTC)He sighs softly, running his fingers idly over Ivar's body. Ivar's touching the scars on his face, and he closes his eyes to bask in the attention. He takes a deep breath and lets it out, quiet and slowly.
"Was I like this, the first time you met me?" He chews his cheek, studying the viking's face carefully while he thinks over his thoughts "Seems like the more I change here, the less I connect with... the people I'm used to."
no subject
Date: 2020-06-04 01:53 am (UTC)"You mean questioning yourself or trying to change?" He kisses Dodger on the scar that runs through his eyebrow. "Dodger, as long as I've known you, you've always had a brutal, ruthless streak to you. No matter how hard you try and get rid of it, it'll always be there, lurking below the surface."
Ivar shrugs, leaning back a little so he can look into Dodger's eyes. "Does that include me?" Despite Ivar trying to hide the neediness in his voice, it's present there. What if Dodger starts trying to pull away from him, leave him the way everyone else in his life always has?
no subject
Date: 2020-06-04 09:06 pm (UTC)He closes his eyes when Ivar kisses him, and answers by tugging him closer to kiss his lips. It's a decent answer, honestly. It tells him that he's always been trying to change, and it's never worked. He guesses that's his lot in life.
He opens his eyes when Ivar leans back, and studies his face somberly. He hears the neediness, and it weighs heavy on him like everything else. So many people need him, and he can't give all of them what they want. It's enough to make him miss being a heartless bastard.
"Who is John Galt." He answers after a bit too much hesitation, his gaze flickering away and his voice betraying a bit of nerves. He can't give Ivar the answer he wants, because he isn't sure himself.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-08 10:36 am (UTC)But the answer does tell him enough and it hurts. Dodger is never going to be everything he needs. Ivar wishes he was, and if he was smart, he would have gotten out a long time ago. But it's too late now. He's in deep and is just gonna keep on going deeper with his boyfriend.
"Come here." He wraps his hands around Dodger's neck and pulls him back down onto the bed. "Just stay here with me a while." He won't say anything, just curl up and relax knowing Dodger is there beside him. Things are rarely alright between them, so Ivar will take what he can get in that regard.
no subject
Date: 2020-06-09 10:25 am (UTC)He lets Ivar pull him closer, and curls up against him as his skin heats up to a pleasant warmth. He shifts to press their foreheads together and lets out a quiet huff of laughter, as he settles in.
"You're just like a kid somethings, y'know that? ...It's really cute."